My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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