I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
