Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
