you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You can't special order awesome
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
