Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
