wanna go halves on a baby?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
