I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
