that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
