fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
