my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
