I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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