The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
