I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
