I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
