apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
