he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
