Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
