it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
