At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
