No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
