Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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