she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
