I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
