Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I can't turn off my feet"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize