I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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