he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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