just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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