I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
