Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
