Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
