At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
