Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
