Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
