i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
