The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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