I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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