cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
