We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
