awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize