at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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