I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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