Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
