You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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