i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize