never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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