I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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