when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
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