let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
