dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
