somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
