Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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