God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
