I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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