just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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