I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize