I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
