it wasn't lemon gatorade
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
