Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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