I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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