I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize