Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
