i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
