After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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