And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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