my phone needs a breathalizer
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize