...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize