Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
