I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
vagina is talking i cant
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
